Comments on My Open Wallet: Family Stress

@ "and I know that he would agree with me on all t...

2009-08-24T04:37:39.650-04:00

@ "and I know that he would agree with me on all this if he had the mental energy to listen to any of it"

hmmm.

good luck X.

@ my earlier comment: "Tell her and your father th...

2009-08-24T04:29:38.334-04:00

@ my earlier comment: "Tell her and your father that their financial situation is worrying you both because your mom is not going to have enough money to live on but also because that is going to threaten your own retirement and the well being of your nieces and nephews by sapping your savings."

I would add the thought(to yourself, silently, at least, and perhaps at some point out loud verbiage to her, if it becomes necessary, that "and I an scared because I for one am not going to let that happen. It's one thing to provide you the support I'd like to provide if unforeseen circumstances happen, but completely different when it is absolutely foreseeable but not acted upon."

I don't know if this helps or not, these are just my thoughts.

@ "I also point out that while she may spend $100 ...

2009-08-24T04:19:23.895-04:00

@ "I also point out that while she may spend $100 on an upgrade, she'll only get a 75% return when she sells the house, etc."

That was true in the housing bubble. But the return on upgrades like this is much less these days. Buyers don't normally value our upgrades the same as we do, often because they have different preferences. Someone's beautiful new bathroom or shower could be a new buyer's tearout.

Also tell her you feel like all the work of genera...

2009-08-24T04:16:08.726-04:00

Also tell her you feel like all the work of generations who have worked to put them in the position of being economically secure for their retirement years is being dissipated instead of being used for essential things that they need--that story about your family's economic history is a fascinating and insightful one.

Tell her and your father that their financial situ...

2009-08-24T04:13:12.844-04:00

Tell her and your father that their financial situation is worrying you both because your mom is not going to have enough money to live on but also because that is going to threaten your own retirement and the well being of your nieces and nephews by sapping your savings.

d u pray if u r going 2 sleep..

2009-08-20T10:57:50.654-04:00

d u pray if u r going 2 sleep..

Sorry to hear that, MX. I was struck by reading yo...

2009-08-19T14:21:19.991-04:00

Sorry to hear that, MX. I was struck by reading your post about how much you have assumed the parental role. Maybe that's natural as we age, but unless your mom is not all there and you can get power of attorney, she's going to do what she's going to do and in the end you can't stop her, you'll just end up driving yourself crazy.

Wow. So sorry you're going through this. It's ee...

2009-08-19T11:32:48.531-04:00

Wow. So sorry you're going through this. It's eerily similar to my own parents (although they're a little younger than your parents so it hasn't hit the fan yet in quite the same way...but it will). Thanks for sharing your own experience and feelings so openly and I'm sending hugs, too.

Thank you for all the comments everyone! It helps....

2009-08-18T17:22:09.216-04:00

Thank you for all the comments everyone! It helps...

It must be hard to be in a situation of basically ...

2009-08-18T16:48:19.118-04:00

It must be hard to be in a situation of basically having to parent your parents. That's probably why it's hard for your mom to hear it from you -- normally, it's the parent's role to advise the child, not the other way around.

Madame X, hang in there... I have a similar situa...

2009-08-18T14:00:43.107-04:00

Madame X, hang in there...

I have a similar situation in my hands so I understand. The irony is; this usually happens to us, to the frugal people who care about the future...

Take care of yourself and be well...

Coming from someone,who has been taking care mom f...

2009-08-18T13:41:30.163-04:00

Coming from someone,who has been taking care mom for over 20 years....
More you give,more Mom wants...
You have to learn to let it go.
It will never change!!!or your niece, either nephew will take care of you when you are older.
Take care of youself!!!!
That means,Let your Mom know,there is No help coming from you,when the money runs out.
I understand,what you are going through.....

I'm with Frugal Zeigeist. I can offer you a virtua...

2009-08-18T13:27:40.514-04:00

I'm with Frugal Zeigeist. I can offer you a virtual hug and support, but very little advice. It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

You have to let it go, you tried again and again. ...

2009-08-18T12:59:55.884-04:00

You have to let it go, you tried again and again. Your mother is too old to change now, take a step back. Dont forget, you are the CHILD she is the ADULT, not the other way around. I have been through something very similar with my mother,for your own sanity you must step back, you do not have to condone the behaviour but you can make it clear that you are not going to play "the game" anymore.

We are going through the similar situation with my...

2009-08-18T12:30:27.744-04:00

We are going through the similar situation with my husband's parents. They have no savings and the only asset they have is their house which still has a large mortgage. They live in Florida where the housing market is terrible and getting worse everyday. His mother just asked for a divorce - WORST TIMING EVER. They cannot afford to live apart, they don't have any funds to retire and they are are past retirement age. They are looking at their children to fund their retirement and it makes me angry to no end to think that our hard earned money will go to cover their irresponsibility. They are also obese (both over 300 pounds) and make excuses for their poor health. They run the AC all the time at a cost of $400 a month. Of course, we refuse to finance their divorce or their desire to live in separate places. I'm not sure what we could do at this point. I am petrified of finding one or the other on our doorstep one day. *sigh* If you think about it, they are living on the work of three generations. They received help/income/inheritance from their parents, they wasted their own incomes and now they are living off of their children and Social Security. Our generation is stuck paying for our parents and our children as well as the debt our parents left behind. Sorry about the rant but your post struck a chord in me and I really feel that something has to be done on a broader level.

First take a deep breath. Then look in the mirror ...

2009-08-18T11:41:09.696-04:00

First take a deep breath. Then look in the mirror and see the intelligence and deep thought that resonates in all your postings. Your parents have gotten along all these years and there will be resolution to their situation whether for good or bad. Do the best you can but remember this is real life, not a tv show. Good thoughts are with you from more people than you can even imagine.

Hang in there, MX. There's nothing harder than dea...

2009-08-18T11:30:58.298-04:00

Hang in there, MX. There's nothing harder than dealing w/a family member who's being self-destructive. Sorry you're going through this--you're doing all the right things, and you will get to the other side!

I am a reader of your blog, but this is my first c...

2009-08-18T11:04:58.450-04:00

I am a reader of your blog, but this is my first comment - just wanted to say hang in there. Family can be so difficult sometimes. You seem like a smart capable woman, I'm sure you'll figure out what to do soon enough...

Unfortunately, we are all pretty much powerless so...

2009-08-18T09:08:42.926-04:00

Unfortunately, we are all pretty much powerless sometimes when it comes to controlling the actions of other people. If you want to save your relationship with your mother you are going to have to let this go. I've watched my own mother make the same kinds of choices throughout her life and I finally had to acknowledge that there is nothing I can do about it. I'm an only child too, and I know that there will be no one but me to shoulder the burden that I know my parents are going to lay on me. When it gets to be too much, I will let them know and I will do no more. I don't know what other option I have.

No advice, just hugs. This is a very difficult si...

2009-08-18T07:31:53.944-04:00

No advice, just hugs. This is a very difficult situation for everyone. I hope you come to a resolution that everyone can live with (and more importantly, that your mom can stick to).

Things are so difficult when it comes to parents. ...

2009-08-18T05:42:55.565-04:00

Things are so difficult when it comes to parents. I know how you feel about the need to be a "dutiful daughter" and how you couldn't let your parents suffer (sub-par nursing home, etc) after they brought you up. Parents are not someone you can distance yourself from (at least in my opinion, I notice another commentor advised you to do that). I tend to lean towards the "micromanage and make her unhappy and angry with you but living a better life than she otherwise would" category. I'm sorry. These are difficult choices. As for your dad not putting you in charge of finances - oversights do happen. People don't like facing difficult futures. Can it still be done, PoA, etc? Of course I don't know your actual situation, only you know that.

Again, I feel I should apologize for butting my nose in, but I really love what I've come to know of you through your blog and I hope things get better.

:)

I wish you and your family health, wealth, and hap...

2009-08-18T04:34:08.273-04:00

I wish you and your family health, wealth, and happiness.
This is free advice from a stranger on the internet but fwiw: is there any way your parents can sell you their house now? You can rent it to them for a dollar or something; they don't have to move. Then the state can't take it to pay for nursing homes, and contractors would need your signature to do anything.

Unless that only sucks you deeper into the situation you are trying to detach from. I don't think you can change your mother's spending habits. Best of luck to you.

Your mom has a problem. Your dad has hidden it for...

2009-08-18T00:24:10.993-04:00

Your mom has a problem. Your dad has hidden it for years. You will not be able to fix it because your dad couldn't. I think you will have to decide what it will take to get along with your mom. Stepping out of the financial situation might be the only answer. She doesn't want to hear what you have to say, and will go to great lengths to keep you out of her business. I know you are worried, but the relationship is more important than the money.
Ciao

Hi -- I think you HAVE to stop your mom. If they ...

2009-08-17T23:11:29.648-04:00

Hi -- I think you HAVE to stop your mom. If they run out of money, I really don't think you and your sister would let them live on the street or your dad go to a sub-par nursing home. I just don't think any decent kids would have the heart, even though it would be tremendously unfair if you kids had to deal with everything because your parents planned for retirement and were never low income.

Are you close enough to run over there once a week to put a stop to any of the projects that your mom may start in your absence?

-Vivien

Madame X wrote: “I really don't know if I'll ever ...

2009-08-17T22:55:15.701-04:00

Madame X wrote: “I really don't know if I'll ever be able to get through to my mother.”

You must be kidding when you say “I really don’t know…”

Your postings overtime have made it 100 percent clear that you will not succeed in altering your mother’s financial habits one iota. The question you have to ask yourself is WHY you continue to hit your head against this particular wall. You must face the fact that your father did not place you in charge of your parent’s finances when he had the chance.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but it is time for you to distance yourself from this topic. All you will succeed in doing is turning your mother against you as you have zero probability of changing her spending habits.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome each time. I am sorry to say that describes your approach to this subject thus far.