More on Dealing with Mom

This comment on yesterday's post really struck me:

do you think there's a way to do things differently, so you're not 'enabling' her self-sabotaging spending habits? I mean, we all can learn and change, no matter how old we are. Believing that it's just fine to spend an extra $100 - $250 so you have more time to get ready and put on makeup for a flight -- that's just not in tune with reality, especially in this economy.

This is very true. The idea of spending $200 to have time to put on makeup-- well, it's pretty terrible. Of course, it's a bit more complicated than that. I'm worried about my mom-- she is under such stress living with my father, and I think she is really suffering from anxiety and depression. My mother has always been a very cheery person, always trying to see the bright side of things, but she's been so subdued and distracted the last few times I've spoken to her. I think depression is why she is finding it so hard to drag herself out of bed in the morning, and if she still cares about how she looks, maybe that's kind of a good sign.

But I do think my mother would be happier if she could get a grip on her finances and gain a little independence. When is financial "tough love" appropriate? Am I enabling her? What is the right balance between trying to guide her towards more financially responsible habits and trying to just be supportive to someone who is having a rough time? And is there ever a time when it's just "too late?"

That is how I feel about my mother, that it's kind of too late: she's in her mid-60s, she spent almost her entire life taking care of her children and husband, and her own mother, and now her grandchildren too. She wanted to be a housewife and have a husband pay the bills, in the traditional mold. After a life like that, it's a bit of a raw deal to expect someone to suddenly be independent and take care of herself. She's not equipped for it-- it would be like setting a highly-bred toy poodle loose in the wilderness and expecting it to survive on its own. Of course people are not poodles, and my mother, like any human being, can sometimes have surprising resilience. But right now I think she's really worn down.

It always just makes me so sad that she and my dad can't just relax and enjoy this time of their life the way I see the parents of many of my friends doing. I can't help but wonder what went wrong. Where did the money go? Did my father make less money than we thought? Did he not invest what he had well enough? Did my mother really spend too much? Did my dad overspend on his own interests too? Did paying for my sister's and my college education do them in? Did their health problems have a financial impact? Did my parents' marital incompatibility make money just one weapon in their ongoing skirmishes?

I suppose the answer to all these questions could be yes. But how is that so different from other people? I thought my parents did a lot of things right. What did other people do right that they didn't? What can I do right that they didn't?

The Wealth Gap in Relationships: Too Big? Too Small?

Here's a question I've been thinking about, regarding financial inequality in relationships: if you were going to have a partner who made more money than you, what kind of difference would you be comfortable with? If you made $75,000 a year, do you think it would be harder to be with someone who made $150,000 a year, or $1 million a year? Would the source of their income make a difference, i.e. whether they worked for it, or inherited a big nest egg? How might this change depending on the actual incomes involved? Is the difference between someone making $25,000 a year and someone making $75,000 a year going to cause more or less stress than the difference between people making $100,000 and $300,000? And does it make a difference if the relationship is gay or straight, and whether it's a man or a woman who makes the higher amount?

Let's say you were seeing someone who made more money than you. You don't know exactly how much more, but guess it is maybe two or even three times your own income, but not more than that. You want to feel like there is a balance in terms of who pays for things, but can sometimes feel like the person who makes more should pay more. But you're both considered middle-class. Maybe one of you is more upper middle class, and enjoys a few extra luxuries with that extra money, but you're both in a position where you work hard to make money, worry about saving enough to support your retirement, and feel like you are surrounded by people who make more money than you.

Then let's consider this alternative: you're seeing someone who was born into a wealthy family. They have some sort of trust fund whose income will comfortably and even luxuriously support them for the rest of their life. You yourself are solidly middle class, with some savings and a decent job, but no hope of ever inheriting any significant wealth. You might not be experiencing any financial hardship, but you know you have to be careful about money in order to stay financially secure.

In which of these situations, if either, would you feel more comfortable saying "hey, you know what? I can't afford to do X, Y and Z, and if you want us to do it together, you're going to have to pay for it." Assuming that the wealthier member of the couple is willing to say "Of course I'll pay for X, Y, and Z. Doing it with you is more important to me than the money," could you just accept that, or would you feel guilty?

And on the flip side, what if YOU are the one making more money? What kind of gap would bother you if you were seeing someone who made less money? How much more money would you have to have before you would feel comfortable paying for more than your share, or would you pay for everything without even thinking about it?

We Want to Be Alone

I was thinking about how much our economy and technological development seems to be driven by the desire not to physically interact with other people. Think about it: we have gone from being entertained by plays and movies in theaters, to having TV sets in our living rooms, to watching video iPods. And with music: from concerts, to radios and stereos in the home, to Walkmans to iPods. Telephones used to have party lines, and there used to be more phone booths-- now we have cell phones. Now the internet gives us so many reasons to do things from the comfort and privacy of our own homes rather than among other people: shopping, dating, education...
Of course cars are a big one-- we've developed this American dream of having your own car, not taking public transportation. And the wealthier people get, the more they isolate themselves: owning yachts instead of going on cruise lines, taking private jets instead of flying commercial, building houses with pools and fitness rooms so they don't have to go to a gym.

Sometimes I feel pretty anti-social myself. Now that I have bought this apartment with outdoor space, I find myself wanting to stay home and enjoy it. I'm also keenly aware of needing to stay on my budget. So every weekend, I have this little inner debate: should I go out to a café for breakfast, or should I stay in and make my own coffee to save a few dollars? But even when I do go out to the café, it's not all that interactive, or even particularly interesting just for people-watching: everyone's just sitting there hunched over their laptops, with iPods on!

I'm Playing the World's Tiniest Violin...

This weekend, someone stole my newspaper on Saturday, so I didn't get to read my beloved Real Estate section. I bought the Saturday paper on the newsstand but it didn't contain the advance Sunday sections that home subscribers get, and these, of course, were not delivered with my Sunday paper. I was tempted to go and buy another copy just so I could read the RE articles, especially since this week featured the special "Key" magazine section. But then I remembered that I could read it online for free. I was still sort of tempted to spend the $4.50 or however much it is now, just because I like reading it on paper-- I guess I'm old-fashioned that way, but in the end I decided it wasn't worth it.

The Real Estate section is fascinating to me, not just because I am interested in the housing market, but because it is the section of the paper that really shows how differently New Yorkers live, and the skewed perception we have of ourselves, at least those of us who read the Times, etc. Every week in the RE section, you can read some priceless comments that just make it sound as if everyone in the world is just deprived if they have to live in anything less than a $750,000 one-bedroom apartment with a doorman and views of Central Park. If such an apartment even exists in that price range, that is!
The RE section is also quite the showcase for over-indulged children, as it seems rare for them to profile anyone under the age of 35 whose parents aren't paying at least part of their rent. This weekend's article, Buying with Help From Mom and Dad, is a classic. Here's my favorite quote:

More buyers are turning to therapists to help them work through how they feel about depending financially on their parents when they have carved out independent careers and lives. Dr. Richard Shadick, a Manhattan psychologist who works mainly with 20- and 30-something New Yorkers, said that “a good portion” of his cases focus on the problems of seeking financial help from parents to pay for housing.

Awww! Your parents bought you a million dollar apartment and you need therapy to cope with it! I only wish I had that kind of psychological problems!

The article discusses many of the reasons these people need therapy, besides their feelings of dependency: often parents buy their children apartments with strings attached, such as a stipulation that no boyfriends or girlfriends can move in, and that family visits must always be accomodated. And there is the young woman who is upset that her parents want to buy her all-new furniture to replace her funky vintage items-- again, a "problem" I think I could learn to live with!

Some of these parents do sign contracts with their kids and make sure there is some level of accountability and varying degrees of repaying the money. And to be fair, another main point of the article is that today's market is just so different from even 10 years ago, when young adults like me with halfway decent junior-level jobs actually could afford to buy entry-level apartments much more easily. But I can't help it, these kinds of stories still make me feel a bit ill.