tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post116908157050719889..comments2023-11-18T01:21:55.631-05:00Comments on My Open Wallet: Moral QuandaryMadame Xhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11536189690094235926noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-43982149189174896412007-02-07T10:58:00.000-05:002007-02-07T10:58:00.000-05:00Wow...that is a lot of worry. I work with my mom e...Wow...that is a lot of worry. I work with my mom every month and review what is happening as well as keep a quicken account going on all her accounts. Mom is very frugal in her Mennonite community so it helps out a lot with her expenses yet if it was the opposite, I would worry too given possible health issues and other large expenses. My best advice is having an open discussion with the 'what ifs' and that may create some focus and I suggest including siblings too. Also, to avoid issues at time of death, without a will and estate intentions documented, this could evolve into a schism in the family. Good luck and I will be sending positive thoughts your way.Kansas Simplicityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12521567699275390093noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170728620912764442007-02-05T21:23:00.000-05:002007-02-05T21:23:00.000-05:00Take the money so your mom doesn't feel badly, the...Take the money so your mom doesn't feel badly, then invest it. If it turns out your parents need financial support later on, you'll have been a godsend. If your parents end up not needing the money, you have extra savings.Barthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02891001107688768478noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170609608368127182007-02-04T12:20:00.000-05:002007-02-04T12:20:00.000-05:00Very tough one. When my parents pull out the check...Very tough one. When my parents pull out the checks as gifts, I smile and then proceed to rip them up when I get home. There is no way in hell I am going to cash a check from my struggling parents -- I just can't do it, but they don't need to know. I very much doubt that they balance their checkbook, so what they don't know won't hurt them. :)fin_indiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16850607432747269260noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170606252051343152007-02-04T11:24:00.000-05:002007-02-04T11:24:00.000-05:00I have to agree with those who said not to accept ...I have to agree with those who said not to accept cash from your mom.<BR/><BR/>Also, to correct misinformation posted above, Social Security checks are deposited on different dates for everyone. Mine comes on the fourth Wednesday of the month.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170521385834337372007-02-03T11:49:00.000-05:002007-02-03T11:49:00.000-05:00As an added thought, this past Christmas I gave my...As an added thought, this past Christmas I gave my mom a $50 Staples gift card and another $50 from Michael's Crafts, rather than giving cash. She actually cried and said it was too much. I didn't expect that.<BR/><BR/>She had also given me $50 cash (as well as gave my wife 50). I tried to give it back to her but she got angry with me. I didn't want her to be angry on Christmas, so I took it, but I'm saving it towards another gift card for her birthday.<BR/><BR/>As for my gram, she gave everyone in the family $25 (some less, depending on who you are in relation to her). I rounded up the cash from me, my wife, sister, mom and dad and gave it to my mom to apply towards my gram's debt. My gram doesn't know we did this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170485972064285312007-02-03T01:59:00.000-05:002007-02-03T01:59:00.000-05:00I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I think your m...I hope this doesn't sound mean, but I think your mum was being a bit narcissistic by giving you that $300 check with its not-so-subtle hint never to cash it. It makes her "look" generous without having to actually do anything. I'm glad you cashed it, just this once, but if I were you, I'd give back any future checks saying, "Thank you mum, but remember what happened last time," or something similar.Rachellahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05616188385588061330noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170460715816571222007-02-02T18:58:00.000-05:002007-02-02T18:58:00.000-05:00Thanks everyone for the great comments. I'll certa...Thanks everyone for the great comments. I'll certainly be writing more about this issue and address points that some of you brought up!Madame Xhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11536189690094235926noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170457971530206642007-02-02T18:12:00.000-05:002007-02-02T18:12:00.000-05:00I think parents like to show their love by giving ...I think parents like to show their love by giving generous gifts. Think if you can find some other way for her to be generous that takes advantage of her strengths, especially if they are your weaknesses. (Although people sometimes feel that doing things that are easy for them to do are not valuable, so you might really have to talk about how hard it is for you.)<BR/><BR/>Also, if her check to you hasn't bounced, maybe you can give her the same amount (sneakily? as cash in an envelope?) reassuring her somehow that you know how much she loves you and that you love her too and would be very grateful if she would let you reduce her worries a little.<BR/><BR/>Or something. I don't know what I'm talking about, but maybe some of this discussion is giving you some good ideas.<BR/><BR/>Best of luck in these tricky situations.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170450327051637602007-02-02T16:05:00.000-05:002007-02-02T16:05:00.000-05:00I know your background isn't Asian, but the Asian ...I know your background isn't Asian, but the Asian way is to give cash in red envelopes for the new year. It's good luck money. But the best part is that it's cash and cash only. Maybe the trick is to tell your mom to give you cash and that way she won't be overgenerous the next time since you'd rather not cause her a financial headache with a bounced check.<BR/><BR/>Since it's a prosecutable offense for her to go around bouncing checks with stores and stuff, so you might want to investigate if this is a chronic problem for her and get her into using cash only.<BR/><BR/>Good luck to you.mapgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06141234159609900257noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170447910818512132007-02-02T15:25:00.000-05:002007-02-02T15:25:00.000-05:00I have the same worries as you, Madame X, about my...I have the same worries as you, Madame X, about my parents. They always lived beyond their means and now they are at an age where their health has become an issue. It's a lot of stress.<BR/><BR/>As far as accepting gifts from my parents, I finally had to just start refusing things from them. I have to say it was a very hard thing to do because it REALLY hurt their feelings. I stood firm for a long time in my refusal of gifts, but as I've gotten older, I've mellowed a little and now we give each other small things. This seems to work ok, at least for now.<BR/><BR/>You should just try to mention to your Dad about the Durable Power of Attorney (and I would definitely suggest you make it DURABLE Power of Attorney). Durable power of attorney will stay in effect if your Dad becomes incapacitated whereas regular Power of Attorney will not. There's more info about it on the web so I won't take up a bunch more space explaining it here.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, I hope you find some peace in dealing with your parents. I know from my own experience that I have worried and worried about all the terrible things that could happen with them. I think I finally just got sick of worrying and don't do it so much anymore. There's only so much you can do about the situation. Sadly, most of it is out of your hands. Good luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170447847971646022007-02-02T15:24:00.000-05:002007-02-02T15:24:00.000-05:00Well, I'm going to sound scolding. If someone is ...Well, I'm going to sound scolding. If someone is giving you a check and says not cash it til such and such a date, they can't afford to give you a check and your knowing your mother's financial history means you know she can't afford it. Yes, if she doesn't give it to you she'll blow it some other way , but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do for you to accept it. How about say , thanks mom, but if you want to tak me out to eat, or take me to the movies, that would be great, I'd get to spend time with you and you can treat me to make herself feel good.<BR/>Also, waiting til the 25th for social security is baloney. SS checks come out on the third.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170447241487650382007-02-02T15:14:00.000-05:002007-02-02T15:14:00.000-05:00Sounds to me like your mother wanted to be generou...Sounds to me like your mother wanted to be generous, and wanted to show you she was being generous. But by attaching a post-it saying to wait a month before cashing it, I think she was expecting you to not accept/cash it. As in, she very well may have expected a "Thanks mom! But I can't accept this, and besides, you already got me so many other things!" This way, she still gets to feel like she was being extra generous--without actually dishing out $300.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps you should have blogged about it *prior* to depositing it to get opinions on what to do! ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170444425903358502007-02-02T14:27:00.000-05:002007-02-02T14:27:00.000-05:00I agree with with Henry. It's just something that...I agree with with Henry. It's just something that you have to do and no time is ever going to be perfect. Just do it and get it over with. It probably won't be as bad as you think.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170441273238275272007-02-02T13:34:00.000-05:002007-02-02T13:34:00.000-05:00My parents, in-laws and grandma all have given me ...My parents, in-laws and grandma all have given me cash for my birthdays since time began (for me at least). Now I'm in my late 20's and realized that I really don't want my parents giving me anything; cash or gifts.<BR/><BR/>I have kindly sent a thank you card with the cash my in-laws and grandma have given to me, asking that they not give cash gifts any longer. My in-laws still sneak cash to my wife, but I can only get them to agree to so much.<BR/><BR/>You're in your thirties. Not to sound scolding, although I'm sure I am, but it's time to stop taking cash from your parents, whether it's a gift or not, or whether they're rich or dirt poor. They can help you in other ways than just pure cash, right?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170439570607350852007-02-02T13:06:00.000-05:002007-02-02T13:06:00.000-05:00You might want power of Attorney in case of accide...You might want power of Attorney in case of accident but not death as well. <BR/>Debt addiction is so easy. I’ve known people who hoard ugly overpriced clothes, people who were addicted to gift giving.<BR/><BR/><BR/>To the man or woman whose parent can’t afforded gifts. <BR/>I don’t know if this will work but this might take the guilt of your family member. <BR/>Why not ask them to make you those coupon books like washing the dishes, babysit or teaching you a recipe.Askazombiehousewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00853261725678234242noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170435075202833202007-02-02T11:51:00.000-05:002007-02-02T11:51:00.000-05:00When I did my will, the lawyer asked me about futu...When I did my will, the lawyer asked me about future inheritances or obligations, which was the excuse I used to ask my parents about their financial situation. That made it a much easier conversation, because it was clear to my parents that I needed the information to be financially responsible myself, instead of asking out of greediness.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170433606784864372007-02-02T11:26:00.000-05:002007-02-02T11:26:00.000-05:00What a pain!! Perhaps implementing a "let's just ...What a pain!! Perhaps implementing a "let's just spend time together and not exchange gifts" would help alleviate your mom from feeling like she "needs to" give you anything when obviously she can't afford to. But it sounds like she'd just spend the money on someone else. <BR/><BR/>Meanwhile, it's very important to plan for those things! I'm only 31 and one of my new year's resolutions was to get a living trust established this year. Have you set up yours?Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09182054237708585905noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170430015644486342007-02-02T10:26:00.000-05:002007-02-02T10:26:00.000-05:00Why did she do that to you? I always tell my paren...Why did she do that to you? I always tell my parents to deal with their finances and give money when u are sure. You come first before your family and friends. Maybe you can just give back the cash and she can deposit it back in her account?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170428343688304822007-02-02T09:59:00.000-05:002007-02-02T09:59:00.000-05:00My mother is the same. It has got to the point whe...My mother is the same. It has got to the point where I get so stressed every time she gives me a present that it definitely takes the shine off it.<BR/>Personally, I don't like the idea of checks as gifts. Period. Christmas seems to have just become an alternative way of obtaining consumer goods and money one would otherwise have to get from one's our resources instead of a symbol of love and thought.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14245531.post-1170426460832321132007-02-02T09:27:00.000-05:002007-02-02T09:27:00.000-05:00There's never a good time to talk about a will X. ...There's never a good time to talk about a will X. You just need to cowgirl up and do it. And also, no more checks from your mom. Cash is okay. But from reading about her financial history on your blog, no checks. ESPECIALLY if it has a post-it stipulation attached.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com