Tuesday, July 26, 2005

10 Ways to Burst the Real Estate Bubble!

I have decided to take matters into my own hands. It's not enough to read a blog or two and believe that the crash is coming. I want an affordable apartment in a nice neighborhood NOW, or at least soon, and there are things I can do to help me get it. If anyone in New York City is reading this, please help me burst the real estate bubble by trying some of these simple tactics:

1. While walking down the street in desired neighborhood, talk loudly on cellphone about how you were MUGGED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT RIGHT NEAR HERE!
2. Strategically deposit empty crack vials and cheap liquor bottles (Thunderbird recommended) all over desired neighborhood.
3. If you know any hookers, invite them to hang out with you in the neighborhood, especially at bars that are near playgrounds.
4. Rent a tuba. Carry it with you to a lot of open houses and tell all the other prospective buyers that you live in an adjacent apartment and were scoping the place out because you need more room for your instruments.
5. Since you've rented a tuba anyway, play it! No lessons needed.
6. Make sure you get to open houses early (but just after the broker gets there) so you can place fake vomit on doorstep of building.
7. Find a garden supply store that sells fox urine-- people use it to keep squirrels out of their flowers, and it smells incredibly bad. It should also give prospective home buyers a powerful sensory subliminal message to STAY AWAY.
8. Another good one for open houses: post a sign saying the building management is on strike. Or if there is a bulletin board for residents in an obvious place, post a sign that says that the termite/cockroach/rat exterminators still can't get the situation under control so they'll be back again...
9. Get a hard hat, a big tripod and a clipboard, so people will think you are a surveyor. Tell people you are doing a geological analysis of high-risk sinkhole sites, and ask if they have ever heard their floorboards creak.
and finally, my favorite:
10. Plaster any empty storefront window you see with a big sign that says "COMING SOON: O.T.B.!"

With concerted, aggressive, sustained use of these simple methods, property values should plummet to a level that I can afford. So help me out! Send in your own suggestions! Spread the word! Make it happen!

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

11. Talk about the real estate bubble a lot. You'll bore the shit out of your friends but it can only help.

blueorigami said...

12. Become a neo-urbanite who bitches about gentrification in order to make themselves feel better about their own sin of infestation...

Anonymous said...

LOL, I love this list. You totally made my day!

Anonymous said...

13. Get one of the Hazardous Material suits (with hood) that fire fighters wear, go to open houses and fill vials with dirt.

passthebubbly said...

As for #2, I prefer MD 20/20.

Anonymous said...

wow you sound like a totally spoiled and entitled brat.

I want an affordable apartment in a nice neighborhood NOW, or at least soon, and there are things I can do to help me get it

Anonymous said...

Go to open house and Make lowball
offers

Drew said...

I just came across your blog and this list. You've got a very interesting and entertaining site. I liked this particular entry (how to burst the real estate bubble).

Keep on blogging, baby...!