Friday, July 20, 2007

Bubbles' Hot Date

I finally got the scoop from my friend Bubbles about her date-- see this post for the full backstory, but to put it briefly, she meets this guy online, he seems nice, and he also seems like he might be very wealthy. Bubbles can't help but get her hopes up a bit, but is he too good to be true?

Many of the comments on the previous post echoed the same theme: proceed with caution. Was this guy, who I'll call "Tiny"... no wait, that's too weird and will give everyone the wrong idea about the punchline. Let's just call him "Mike." So was Mike dropping little tidbits into his emails to try to impress Bubbles? Is he some dangerous psycho who is trying to lure her with the promise of riches? Or is he, perhaps, a normal guy who might just be overworked, or shy or just straightforwardly trying to meet someone new? And if so, could Bubbles be about to meet Mr. Right and enjoy a future filled with golf outings, travel and all the other trappings of an upper class life? And would she actually enjoy that?

As I pointed out before, Bubbles is an independent, open-minded kind of gal, not someone easily swayed by swagger. She just wants a nice, reasonably cute boyfriend. And though she said Mike's emails weren't the most brilliant or fascinating emails she'd ever read, it seemed like they might have some things in common, and he did sound nice. He also sounded "real" somehow, she said-- he had mentioned his expensive sports and his weekend house in one of the early emails, but otherwise, he didn't seem to be trying to impress her at all and just seemed to be enjoying their banter. He never asked her to send him a photo, which, to her, was a good sign that he liked her personality and was not the type to write someone off just because she wasn't a supermodel. So she didn't ask him for a photo either.

I was a little surprised at that detail. I'd like to think I'm not superficial about these matters, and also, photos can be deceptive. But personally, I'd like to have some sense of who I'm dealing with before I agree to meet them, even if it's going to be in a well-lit public place. Bubbles said she had sometimes felt that way too, but that in this case, she just wanted to "go with the flow." She is pretty cute herself, and she liked the idea of someone being pleasantly surprised when they saw her for the first time, and hoped that would be the case with Mike too. But here's where Bubbles' bubble begins to burst.

When she first sets eyes on Mike, she thinks "Whoa, he looks kind of ... old!" She had thought he was going to be only a couple of years older than her, and given that her last boyfriend was younger, she had this weird moment where she suddenly began to question her own attractiveness, thinking "Yikes, is this what people our age look like? I have to face reality!" But the more she looked at him, the more she thought he really seemed not that well-preserved. But they sat down to dinner and started to talk. He was obviously nervous, which she found sort of endearing. He was nicely dressed, and not bad-looking, but he just seemed... old. And sure enough, within the first 15 minutes, he sheepishly confessed to being 10 years older than he'd originally claimed. Bubbles just said "oh, really?" and let it go. Inwardly, she was a bit disturbed: it wasn't like their age difference was all that extreme, though it was the first time she'd dated anyone whose age began with the number 5. I think she was perhaps less freaked out at the fact that Mike had been untruthful than at how narrow the gap had become between her and a 50-year-old! "He should be old enough to be my father," she said, "except, he's not!"
They ended up having a perfectly fine dinner. Mike was "nice," "polite," "a gentleman," and as far as she could tell, didn't seem to be lying about his position in life-- "kind of self-effacing" was a phrase she used. She didn't dislike him, but didn't feel like there was any chemistry, and though they chatted about all sorts of things, she didn't feel like they really got to know all that much about each other, and she felt like she was doing more than her share of the conversational work. Bottom line, she was disappointed. She couldn't help but think the guy might be some Prince Charming who would sweep her off her feet, just because he had money. I think she thought his wealth would translate to some kind of glamour, but it really didn't. And knowing that he was much older than she'd thought made it somehow less appealing-- like it wasn't as big an accomplishment to have achieved those things at a later age.
It's funny, Fifi (of the bachelorette party) briefly dated a MUCH older man who was wealthy. They actually did have a certain chemistry (which I personally found disturbing), and she was much more willing to consider becoming a kept woman than Bubbles is. (I found that disturbing too.) But the guy ended up not taking her all that seriously. In Bubbles' case, the lack of physical attraction just made her feel like an idiot for even thinking about the money-- her scale definitely tips in the other direction.
But guess what? Mike emailed her as soon as he got home that night and seems to really want to see her again. She hadn't actually set up another date with him when I spoke to her, but it sounded like she was going to give it another chance.
Poor Bubbles. When I spoke to her, she really seemed glad to have someone to talk to about this. I felt a little guilty that I was prodding her about her feelings and motivations, but I guess it made for a good therapy session for her, as well as good material for me! Bubbles, if you ever find this blog, I hope you'll understand!
(She'll probably just be mad that I called her Bubbles.)


Simone S. said...

Whoa, 10 years is really a lot to be off by in your profile. I've met with men who fuged a couple of years just to hit that 30-35 or35-40, or so on mark. And it isn't as though 50 is such a bad age..especially for men.

As for money, it can compensate for quite a bit depending on the person. I guess it boils down to how much you are willing to compromise for financial security. Usually a man with both looks AND a jerk. Beleive me...I know.

SandyVoice said...

I agree that it's not so much the age as the lying about it that's a turn off. But honestly, Bubbles, would you have gone out with him even once knowing that he's in his 50s? Men often like yunger women, for many reasons -- energy, looks, and fertility among them. I don't condone it -- just noticing. I'm a 55 year old woman, and men in their late 60s and early 70s want to go out with me. I'm not interested in someone that close to retirement -- or retired! -- and I've noticed that they are afraid I wouldn't go out with them if I knew, which I very well might not. Usually they try not to let me pin down their ages until I meet them, hoping their beautiful speaking voices, nice personalities, and perhaps their big bank accounts might rope me in. Dating is not easy at any age.

optioned unarmed said...

Hmmm, willing to lie to obtain something he might not get by telling the truth... Not a good sign in my book.

(Then again, I'm still kind of a young'un... I may have a different perspective on this in another 15 years.)

Anonymous said...

The Bell Curve Dating Theory:
I've always felt that the age graph for women and dating is a bell curve. When your a teen, the age should be at the be equal or very close to your age, then as you get older, say late teens ... it move up the bell. (the guys can be a little older) As young women moving into their 20s, many find it appropriate to date up that bell curve -- to a man a bit older and the wider age gap continues into ones 30s. Eventually it peaks at middle age ... where dating a mature gentleman seems acceptable. The bell curve turns down and takes a gal into her 50s where a lessor difference is appreciated. By the time a woman hits 60 and 70, the age spreads close and someone their own age and health seems better. By the time one hits 80, a partner of equal age (just as those teenage years) is almost necessary.

Anonymous said...

That's too old.. I date same age at the most. I'm mid 20s guy.

Inside the Philosophy Factory said...

In his defense, he did tell her right away that he was older than he'd originally said.

I hope Bubbles gives this guy a chance -- nice guys often don't get a second look from women, because they are more nice than exciting.

optioned unarmed said...

Except for the maturity issue, I think it makes sense for women to date younger men. Women have longer agespans than men, so dating a younger man increases the likelihood that the woman will still have a partner in her old age. Most elderly women are widows because they settled down with a man their own age or older.

MoneyChangesThings said...

Some people get rich more or less by accident and don't fit in all that well in country club culture. Mike is probably such a person and doesn't really know how to meet intelligent, interesting people. Money can be isolating.

Kansas Simplicity said...

A male perspective on this one. If you lie down on your age, you are working an angle. I think you have to understand that men are motivated by different intentions than women and compete head on with each other for women. I will call this the leader of pack theory and when you age, you use more cunning tactics in lieu of youth driven tactics such as strength.

Yes, I know so male centric perspective yet men are driven by the physical (most of the time) while women by the emotional.

So, when I see this happen as I have in the past, my thought is this individual is trying to prove he is still a male capable of leading the pack and with a younger women this demonstrates his ability to have his 'genes' still dominate the pool of offspring. Also, this is public validation that allows a male to attract the same type of dating pool as a pattern of behavior is revealed.

I have concluded that even in a man in his 50(s) or 60(s) the ability to produce offspring is still a capable and desired event and if that is the intent, which I think is part of all male behavior on an 'animal intent level', then locating and finding a younger women is the angle and explains the behavior.

A anthropologists view of the world yet view I see this from an animal behavior perspective not different than lions in Africa.

Simplicity in Kansas

Fabulously Broke in the City said...

Money is a very powerful aphrodisiac.

For me, I've dated men 10, 15 years older than me when I was younger, but it never bothered me because I knew beforehand, but on the one hand, I think it would very much bother me that he lied.

Many guys have lied about their height to me, and it bothers me as I then stand eye to eye with them, or taller... and once I met them, I was suspicious about everything else as well... I'd be thinking: does he have a girlfriend? wife? kids?.. what else did he lie about?

But on the other hand, if he genuinely just wanted to meet her even though she was out of his age range, and he really is a good guy, not bad looking, good personality, with chemistry, then go for it. :) Sometimes those kinds of unconventional unions work. But it sounds like Bubbles just didn't have the right chemistry with him, unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

So the guy is liar and she's not attracted to him. But he's got money so we'll give it another shot.

Are all women whores, or just Bubbles?

frugal zeitgeist said...

This happened to me once when I briefly used Match. The guy in question had listed his age as 42. Imagine my surprise when he turned out to be 50. He was quite candid about why he lied about his age and submitted really old photos for his profile: he wanted to date women in my age range and that was the only way he thought he'd turn uup in their searches. I told him that the lying bothered me much more than the age difference would have, and that I didn't want to see him again.

I had another creepy experience right around the same time. In this case, I spotted a man I was acquainted with on the site. I knew he was 50 years old; I was amused to see that he was claiming 43, so I opened his profile, only to find. . .


He'd found a photo that we were both in at an event and posted it in his profile. I was horrified and sent him an email demanding that he take it down immediately. Fortunately, he did it without giving me any grief.

Not too surprisingly, my online dating experience ended shortly thereafter.